There is a joke often told that if you scream in a library they tell you off but if you scream on a plane they join in. Personally I’ve never tried either but after a recent flight I can confirm by experimental observation to those of a scientific bent that the latter is indeed true. Let me report my results.

The flight started badly in fact I was in a bad mood before I'd even boarded the plane as on arriving at the airport well before 7am I found a group of twenty something males with excessive amounts of testosterone and alcohol swimming round their veins recounting funny (in their minds at least) stories  across the departures lounge as I sat waiting for my plane. Unsurprisingly this added to the usual bad mood I get in such places from the feeling of being ripped off by fast food sellers who feel it appropriate to charge three quid for a stewed cup of tea while proudly displaying their “Investors in People Award” sign on the wall. I know it’s not me in whom they are proud to invest but surely if you treat and train your staff so well they should at least be able to make a cup of tea that tastes of tea and is a smidgen hotter than room temperature. The vendor at Manchester airport on the day in question failed on all counts.

I am however used to such disappointments in airport catering as I am to the obsession of the British and it does appear to be a uniquely British belief that the few hours between check in and boarding are for drinking as much as possible. My sixth sense told me as soon as I sat down  that the heavy drinkers were going to be on my flight and more than that I was likely to end up sitting next to them. Sadly my sixth sense didn't let me down and I spent the best part of half a day crossing the Atlantic sitting in the middle of a group of Northern lads spitting peanuts at each other as they battled to present the most compelling evidence why they once got more drunk than anyone else had ever been in the history of cheap lager and shots during previous jaunts to the Balearics or Blackpool. I didn't complain or scream but sat there and apologised on behalf of the nation to the shocked American woman from Chicago that sat watching the conversation develop across the aisle who thanked me for the moral support as we parted in Chicago and I moved onwards to my onward connection.

The initial spring in my step when I arrived at the desk minus my drunken companions was lost on discovering that my connecting flight was delayed. Though disappointed I was a lot happier about it than the rest of the queue who were still waiting for the plane to the same destination that should have left

three hours before mine. Surrounding these were the passengers who had lost the will to complain and were now resigned to spending the rest of their lives at the airport after their plane which should have left six hours previously had still not arrived. But determined not to let this get me down I sat down read a book and eventually got on a plane which was now much bigger and posher than the previously scheduled plane so that we could all get on.

It was a nice flight until about 20 minutes in when we hit a bit of turbulence and we fastened our seat belts and our complimentary lunchtime cardboard roll was suspended as the captain deemed it too bumpy. But that was okay as after about five minutes of rubbing shoulders with the passengers either side of me the hostesses jumped from the seats as the seatbelt sign dinged off and gave us our meal. We were happy again or almost anyway until completely unannounced the plane jerked to the side and turned so much that it felt like we were at 90 degrees to our standard elevation. As the man in front who had foolishly just undone his seatbelt fell out of his seat and bounced along the floor ending up almost sitting on the wall of the plane someone screamed. This was a little disconcerting but was made more so when we realised that it was the air hostess that screamed who presumably will have experienced all the normal harmless things that feel dangerous previously. This induced a volley of screams from a worryingly high percentage of passengers enabling me to make my scientific observation while those of us too polite to show our concern sat their stoically.

What followed then after the plane righted itself was what felt like an extremely rapid decrease in altitude which at the time felt like 20 minutes but was probably only 20 seconds. During this as we found out later controlled descent the plane oscillated between silence and uninhibited screaming and I came to the conclusion I was going to witness a plane crash from a very uncomfortably close perspective. The man to my left started writing something which I presumed was either his will or a letter to his loved ones while the passenger on my other side asked if I thought they would announce it if they thought we are about to crash. I said I didn't know but suggested they would add “Thank you for flying with us this afternoon hope you have a great day.” We laughed together and spent the last half minute of our lives or so we thought at the time acting out inappropriate announcements to make in various crisis situations on a plane while those around screamed and prayed. I realised that maybe my mother was right when she told me as a kid that I don't take anything seriously.

But of course we didn't crash; the plane levelled out, the pilot explained what had happened and apologised for the disruption and we again sat in silence as the film which they had helpfully paused restarted and no one mentioned what had just happened. On arriving I left the airport and told the taxi driver what had happened but of course he had been in a much bigger and better near crash experience which from the way he drove is probably true and certainly his fault.

Tony Millin.